How Not to be Just a Homemaker!

 

Let’s be honest. I did not stop being a homemaker, per se as soon as I got my new job. It’s not a switch you flip when you get back on the career flight. Women are and will be, the primary caregivers for their families and loved ones. They have a role to fulfill. This narrative is going to take many more years of the feminist movement, to change. Even if a woman is working, it will not come in the way of them taking care of their families and vice versa. Their career may not come in the way of their familial commitments – this one is a sentence with a big asterisk though. 

 

Folks, this post is going to be pretty objective. Or at least, as objective as I can get. I want to steer clear of any heated emotions, pent-up frustration at our patriarchal society (because that’s a topic for another post!) and try to portray how life changes from one stage to another. 

 

It is a study in anthropology and eons of mental and physical conditioning which has led to this defined role of women being primary caregivers. Men are, historically regarded as the bread earners, and the ones who provide the financial support. This is a subject, which has been researched from various angles, viewpoints and would probably make me write pages and pages on it. But, not today! 

 

When I say, my former role as a homemaker, I mean my identity is now not restricted to just being a homemaker. I had been working for the past 10 years, before I decided to take a break from my career in December 2019. I had gone through different phases in my life where I had worked, had been dependent, sometimes self-sufficient, independent, and all sorts of things that a woman can go through.

 

 

I remember that during my school and college days, I used to take up temporary jobs, one-day assignments so that I could take care of my expenses without burdening my parents. Later this habit of earning from a young age changed many perspectives in my life, and I realized that even if you earn a mere Rs. 500, the joy of spending that money with earned confidence and freedom is euphoric! 

 

This self-earning concept worked well for me till I became a mother of two kids, and I had no choice but to put my career on hold. It was entirely my decision to take a break, and when you have a nuclear family set up, sometimes it is inevitable. 

It is after all, unheard of, that God forbid, men take a career break and become stay-at-home-dads. There is of course the other debate, that men earn substantially higher than their women counterparts for producing the same amount of output, with the same, if not more, amount of efficiency. 

 

In the months that followed, it so happened that I got fully engrossed with my family and didn’t realize where I got lost. Further, we had the misfortune of the Pandemic which led to total lockdown, hiring freezes all around. By the time I realized it, there had been a gap of 17 months in my professional life. There is nothing that I lost or gained as a family, but I lost my identity as a human. Who was M now? Who was she, really?

 

I lost my mental engagement and the financial independence of self-earned money. I lost all creative vistas, got focused on doing all the household chores, making sure my kids were being intellectually stimulated, fed, cleaned up their messes…. You know the drill. 

It is an insult to my family (read, my husband’s) if I don’t mention that there were no restrictions on me regarding expenditures. 

 

A few days back when my health was taking a toll due to Covid-19 (that’s right folks, writing this with virus-infected fingers. Yikes! That sounds nasty!) and due to this identity crisis, I found a new light, the light of writing or blogging. 

Trust me when I say, I have given it quite a thought before actually blogging. I am what you may call an Elder Millennial, I was born in 1986. The millennials are people born after the early 1980s. I realize most of my audience belongs to the millennial generation, or worse Generation Z (and we all know, they have the attention span of Nemo). We are no better. I speak for every millennial, when I say the average attention span of a Millennial is 12 seconds, while it's 8 seconds for Generation Z. It has been a monumental debate in my head (still ongoing), about whether I should keep blogging which I love. I love writing. Or should I fall into peer pressure and put out 30 seconds of reel content. Decisions, decisions! 

 

I don’t know if this is the right way for me, but I have started writing, and find myself liberated through my words. I know I just have to be consistent, have to work, write, and needed to keep myself engaged on a creative level.

So, coming back to the main point of this story. Why do I want to move away from the “Just a homemaker” narrative? 

The views below are entirely personal, and if anyone wants to take offense, well I can’t stop them, can I? Don’t @ me! ("See? I can speak Gen Z lingo too”, said she while adjusting her nerd glasses, listening to Owl City -fireflies) ---

 

1. Who am I?

The identity crisis. I have always believed that being a homemaker is probably one of the toughest jobs in the world. But how many people really respect that? I was having a conversation with a school friend who I reconnected with, after 16 years, during the lockdown last year. He didn’t know about my situation. You know, I love a dialogue format:

H: "Hey, how are you? How’s the lockdown treating you?"

M: "I am doing great; you know all things considered.”

H: "Why, what do you mean?”

M: "The lockdown, dude! I don’t even know when we will be able to go out like normal days.”

H: "Oh, I am sure very soon… I mean, the government is doing everything they can to eradicate it. By 2021, you’ll see. We will be back to a normal world. 

(2021 present me – Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I can’t even!!)

M: "Yeah, I guess so.”

H: "So, what are you up to these days? Where are you working?”

M: "Well, I left my last job in December 2019, currently on a bit of a break. I am a homemaker”

H: "Okay, but what else?”

M: “what do you mean?”

H: "Arrey, what else is up? Don’t tell me you have become a stay-at-home-mom!”

M: (the tiny anger demon flaring inside me) – "and what’s so wrong with that? I mean, staying at home, being a homemaker is a full-time job.”

H: "Nothing wrong, just saying. But surely, you have plans. That’s not a job, c’mon we all know that.”

M: "Who is out there spreading such lies? I know this is new for me too. I have always worked, and this phase of my life is new, but yeah it is a job for sure.”

H: "Ohkay *condescending tone* sure….”

Kids, there it was. I knew I was slowly losing my identity. As a human. I was a mother now, a daughter in law, a wife, a sister in law, a daughter, an aunt, but what else? 

 

2. Letting the creative juices flow

In 2020, I was in a self-destructive mode, mentally speaking. I was getting frustrated by the day, because of not getting job offers, which I thought would just land at my feet, as I thought my previous role would just guarantee me that. I spoke about this naivete and short-sightedness in my last post. How wrong I was! I was basically killing off my creative brain cells by staying at home. 

This absolutely does not mean that it happens to everyone. I know of many a homemaker who applies themselves to their passion, find time to bake, blog, create something, sell it on Amazon etc. But in my case, my creativity was zero. At the risk of spiraling down that depression hole, let’s just take a leap over that pothole, shall we? I am happy that I am learning something new today, every day, on the job. AND, I am helping myself write good (#joke)! 

 

3. Having financial independence 

Like I said I was always in a habit of earning for myself. My parents instilled a very strict code of ethics and morality in me from a young age. 

When I landed my first gig in 2009, my father taught me all about savings, how I should ensure that I am saving up a minimum of 10% in my savings account, which remains untouched. He taught me about mutual funds, investment plans like SIPs. 

A woman doesn’t need to earn a 7-figure salary for satisfaction. Money doesn’t buy satisfaction. But it does buy a heck of a lot of confidence. The feeling you get when you know this is your money, borne from your hard work, from all the ideas you presented at work. You can’t put a price on that! 

 

4. No woman is an island

I mean, how accurate is that? Again, I know the adage is actually “no man is an island”, but if you know what I meant, what are you frowning for? Nothing compares to the feeling when you can step out of the house, on your own and meet your family and friends. 

Sure, us mommies, we love our kids. But admit it, having to continuously be at the kids’ beck and call, 24X7, all the friggin time, takes a big toll on your mental health. The moment you step out of your house, you are much better connected to society. You are exposed to other humans, you evolve, you adapt. With Covid-19 around, that was a distant possibility – going out in public, meeting people, shaking hands, and hugging (gasp!) were ancient things we used to do. 

Anyway, whether you are connected virtually or not, it doesn’t matter. A social presence is enough.

 

5. Mental Engagement

NGL, I had a mental breakdown in 2020. I was suffering from high-functioning anxiety since 2016, but 2020 was a completely new playing field for the demons inside my head. I felt I was being buried under tedious, mundane chores and my kids whining, crying, and fighting. Having 2 kids in the toddler range was no walk in the park. Literally. We couldn’t even walk in the park. Because, Pandemic. 

I was stretched beyond my limits physically. I was that girl, who never had to cook a day in her life. Come 2020, and goodbye maids (read, middle-class privilege), I was thrown into the deep end without any preparation. My mom-in-law was an angel and she guided and trained me on a lot of things. 

Soon enough by March 2020, I was cooking three meals, making kids' meals, cleaning the house, washing, and folding laundry, et al. Makes me sound like Cinderella. But trust me, I don’t deny how privileged I am, having my family as a strong support system. Despite all that, I was over-occupied physically but there was no mental engagement at an adult level. I was consuming a lot of baby content, no lie! I was not free to my own self. I hardly had any personal breaks. If you are working or want to work, then you are engaging yourself mentally, which is very important for your mental health.

Epilogue: 

Ultimately, I realized nothing is stopping you. Just like, nothing was stopping me. If you are determined to make that change, you gotta stick with the program, be consistent, be persistent, and unleash that Superwoman! 

 

I would love to hear from you in the comments below. Have you had any such experiences as a woman or even as a man struggling with a career and home life? Let’s discuss!